“When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'”

Steven Wright View all quotes by Steven Wright

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“I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'” Steven Wright

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.” Steven Wright

“Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'” Steven Wright