Quotes

“Electricity is really just organized lightning.” George Carlin

“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.” George Carlin

“Atheism is a non-prophet organization.” George Carlin

“Always do whatever's next.” George Carlin

“I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.” George Carlin

“You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.” George Carlin

“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.” George Carlin

“By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.” George Carlin

“One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.” George Carlin

“Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?” George Carlin

“Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.” George Carlin

“If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.” George Carlin

“Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.” George Carlin

“There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.” George Carlin

“When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?” George Carlin

“I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.” George Carlin

“I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.” George Carlin

“What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?” George Carlin

“Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.” George Carlin

“There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.” George Carlin

“You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.” George Carlin

“In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.” George Carlin

“Think off-center.” George Carlin

“I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.” George Carlin

“I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.” George Carlin

“One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.” George Carlin

“At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.” George Carlin

“If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.” George Carlin

“When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.” George Carlin

“When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.” George Carlin