Erma Bombeck quotes

“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”

— Erma Bombeck

“I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.”

— Erma Bombeck

“Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it.”

— Erma Bombeck

“People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.”

— Erma Bombeck

“I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.”

— Erma Bombeck

“I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.”

— Erma Bombeck

“Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.”

— Erma Bombeck

“The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.”

— Erma Bombeck

“Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.”

— Erma Bombeck

“There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.”

— Erma Bombeck

“There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it.”

— Erma Bombeck

“Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?”

— Erma Bombeck

“Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.”

— Erma Bombeck

“My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.”

— Erma Bombeck

“Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.”

— Erma Bombeck

“No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.”

— Erma Bombeck

“If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.”

— Erma Bombeck

“Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.”

— Erma Bombeck

“Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.”

— Erma Bombeck

“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”

— Erma Bombeck

“Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.”

— Erma Bombeck

“A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest.”

— Erma Bombeck

“How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?”

— Erma Bombeck

“There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M.”

— Erma Bombeck

“Never accept a drink from a urologist.”

— Erma Bombeck

“Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.”

— Erma Bombeck

“It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.”

— Erma Bombeck

“Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.”

— Erma Bombeck

“Never order food in excess of your body weight.”

— Erma Bombeck

“Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.”

— Erma Bombeck