Erma Bombeck quotes

“I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.”

— Erma Bombeck

“Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.”

— Erma Bombeck

“God created man, but I could do better.”

— Erma Bombeck

“House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.”

— Erma Bombeck

“Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.”

— Erma Bombeck

“What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?”

— Erma Bombeck

“I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.”

— Erma Bombeck

“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.”

— Erma Bombeck

“Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.”

— Erma Bombeck

“Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.”

— Erma Bombeck

“For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.”

— Erma Bombeck

“Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.”

— Erma Bombeck

“Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.”

— Erma Bombeck

“On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.”

— Erma Bombeck

“Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.”

— Erma Bombeck

“I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.”

— Erma Bombeck