George Carlin quotes

“If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”

— George Carlin

“Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.”

— George Carlin

“There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.”

— George Carlin

“When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?”

— George Carlin

“I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.”

— George Carlin

“I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.”

— George Carlin

“What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?”

— George Carlin

“Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.”

— George Carlin

“You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.”

— George Carlin

“In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.”

— George Carlin

“Think off-center.”

— George Carlin

“I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.”

— George Carlin

“I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.”

— George Carlin

“One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.”

— George Carlin

“At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.”

— George Carlin

“If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.”

— George Carlin

“When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.”

— George Carlin

“When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.”

— George Carlin

“The status quo sucks.”

— George Carlin

“Religion is just mind control.”

— George Carlin

“I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.”

— George Carlin

“I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.”

— George Carlin

“Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.”

— George Carlin