Mitch Hedberg quotes

“I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“Dogs are forever in the push up postion.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!”

— Mitch Hedberg

“Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'”

— Mitch Hedberg

“My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'”

— Mitch Hedberg

“I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?”

— Mitch Hedberg

“If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.”

— Mitch Hedberg