Mitch Hedberg

"You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something."

Top Mitch Hedberg Quotes

"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall."

"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."

"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later."

"An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

"A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap."

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