Groucho Marx quotes

“Before I speak, I have something important to say.”

— Groucho Marx

“Humor is reason gone mad.”

— Groucho Marx

“I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.”

— Groucho Marx

“Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.”

— Groucho Marx

“Women should be obscene and not heard.”

— Groucho Marx

“I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.”

— Groucho Marx

“No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.”

— Groucho Marx

“Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.”

— Groucho Marx

“I must confess, I was born at a very early age.”

— Groucho Marx

“There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.”

— Groucho Marx

“I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.”

— Groucho Marx

“From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.”

— Groucho Marx

“I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.”

— Groucho Marx

“If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.”

— Groucho Marx

“Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?”

— Groucho Marx

“I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.”

— Groucho Marx

“I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.”

— Groucho Marx

“My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.”

— Groucho Marx

“I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.”

— Groucho Marx

“I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.”

— Groucho Marx

“It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.”

— Groucho Marx

“Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.”

— Groucho Marx

“A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.”

— Groucho Marx

“Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.”

— Groucho Marx

“Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!”

— Groucho Marx

“Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.”

— Groucho Marx

“Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.”

— Groucho Marx

“Go, and never darken my towels again.”

— Groucho Marx

“I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.”

— Groucho Marx

“If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.”

— Groucho Marx