Mark Twain quotes

“Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.”

— Mark Twain

“We are all alike, on the inside.”

— Mark Twain

“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.”

— Mark Twain

“When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.”

— Mark Twain

“When in doubt tell the truth.”

— Mark Twain

“When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.”

— Mark Twain

“When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.”

— Mark Twain

“Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.”

— Mark Twain

“As an example to others, and not that I care for moderation myself, it has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain from smoking when awake.”

— Mark Twain

“Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.”

— Mark Twain

“Don't tell fish stories where the people know you, but particularly, don't tell them where they know the fish.”

— Mark Twain

“Drag your thoughts away from your troubles... by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it.”

— Mark Twain

“Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”

— Mark Twain

“Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.”

— Mark Twain

“Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.”

— Mark Twain

“I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me. I always feel that they have not said enough.”

— Mark Twain

“If it's your job to eat a frog, it's best to do it first thing in the morning. And If it's your job to eat two frogs, it's best to eat the biggest one first.”

— Mark Twain

“
It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native criminal class except Congress.
”

— Mark Twain

“It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.”

— Mark Twain

“It is just like man's vanity and impertinence to call an animal dumb because it is dumb to his dull perceptions.”

— Mark Twain

“
Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very", and your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
”

— Mark Twain

“The man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much; if he is an optimist after it, he knows too little.”

— Mark Twain

“There are basically two types of people. People who accomplish things, and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded.”

— Mark Twain

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