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Phyllis Diller quotes
“
Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
”
— Phyllis Diller
“A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.”
— Phyllis Diller
“Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? ”
— Phyllis Diller
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. ”
— Phyllis Diller
“There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto. ”
— Phyllis Diller
“Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.”
— Phyllis Diller
“The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. ”
— Phyllis Diller
“Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed. ”
— Phyllis Diller
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. ”
— Phyllis Diller
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. ”
— Phyllis Diller
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. ”
— Phyllis Diller
“Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. ”
— Phyllis Diller
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”
— Phyllis Diller
“There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? ”
— Phyllis Diller
“My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual. ”
— Phyllis Diller
“Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. ”
— Phyllis Diller
“Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room. ”
— Phyllis Diller
“We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. ”
— Phyllis Diller
“I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. ”
— Phyllis Diller
“It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core. ”
— Phyllis Diller
“My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee. ”
— Phyllis Diller
“His finest hour lasted a minute and a half. ”
— Phyllis Diller
“I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.”
— Phyllis Diller
“My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. ”
— Phyllis Diller
“The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. ”
— Phyllis Diller
“You know you're old if your walker has an airbag. ”
— Phyllis Diller
“Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.”
— Phyllis Diller
“What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
— Phyllis Diller
“If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. ”
— Phyllis Diller
“I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.”
— Phyllis Diller
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