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Joan Rivers quotes
“I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.”
— Joan Rivers
“I am furious about everything.”
— Joan Rivers
“The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.”
— Joan Rivers
“I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.”
— Joan Rivers
“It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.”
— Joan Rivers
“I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.”
— Joan Rivers
“My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.”
— Joan Rivers
“Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.”
— Joan Rivers
“Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.”
— Joan Rivers
“My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.”
— Joan Rivers
“My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.”
— Joan Rivers
“All my friends are dying. That's why I always wear black.”
— Joan Rivers
“Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.”
— Joan Rivers
“Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.”
— Joan Rivers
“I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.”
— Joan Rivers
“I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider.”
— Joan Rivers
“Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.”
— Joan Rivers
“She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.”
— Joan Rivers
“Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.”
— Joan Rivers
“Every television show you go on is a choice.”
— Joan Rivers
“I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her.”
— Joan Rivers
“I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.”
— Joan Rivers
“I hate reality shows that are not reality.”
— Joan Rivers
“I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.”
— Joan Rivers
“I just love acting.”
— Joan Rivers
“I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.”
— Joan Rivers
“I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”
— Joan Rivers
“I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.”
— Joan Rivers
“Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.”
— Joan Rivers
“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.”
— Joan Rivers
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