“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.” Erma Bombeck
“Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it.” Erma Bombeck
“People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.” Erma Bombeck
“I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.” Erma Bombeck
“I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.” Erma Bombeck
“The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.” Erma Bombeck
“Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.” Erma Bombeck
“There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.” Erma Bombeck
“There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it.” Erma Bombeck
“Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?” Erma Bombeck
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.” Erma Bombeck
“My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.” Erma Bombeck
“No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.” Erma Bombeck
“Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.” Erma Bombeck
“Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.” Erma Bombeck
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.” Erma Bombeck
“Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.” Erma Bombeck
“There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M.” Erma Bombeck
“It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.” Erma Bombeck
“Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.” Erma Bombeck
“Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.” Erma Bombeck
