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Erma Bombeck
Quotes by Erma Bombeck
Quotes by Erma Bombeck
“When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.”
Erma Bombeck
“A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.”
Erma Bombeck
“Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.”
Erma Bombeck
“Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.”
Erma Bombeck
“When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
“There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.”
Erma Bombeck
“It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.”
Erma Bombeck
“I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.”
Erma Bombeck
“Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.”
Erma Bombeck
“There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.”
Erma Bombeck
“My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?”
Erma Bombeck
“Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids.”
Erma Bombeck
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
Erma Bombeck
“One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.”
Erma Bombeck
“Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.”
Erma Bombeck
“Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.”
Erma Bombeck
“If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.”
Erma Bombeck
“My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.”
Erma Bombeck
“A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.”
Erma Bombeck
“When humor goes, there goes civilization.”
Erma Bombeck
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
“Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.”
Erma Bombeck
“Children make your life important.”
Erma Bombeck
“Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.”
Erma Bombeck
“I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up.”
Erma Bombeck
“I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'”
Erma Bombeck
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
Erma Bombeck
“For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.”
Erma Bombeck
“It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.”
Erma Bombeck
“In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.”
Erma Bombeck
