Quotes

“There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it.” Erma Bombeck

“Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?” Erma Bombeck

“Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.” Erma Bombeck

“My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.” Erma Bombeck

“Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.” Erma Bombeck

“No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.” Erma Bombeck

“If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.” Erma Bombeck

“Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.” Erma Bombeck

“Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.” Erma Bombeck

“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.” Erma Bombeck

“Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.” Erma Bombeck

“A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest.” Erma Bombeck

“How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?” Erma Bombeck

“There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M.” Erma Bombeck

“Never accept a drink from a urologist.” Erma Bombeck

“Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.” Erma Bombeck

“It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.” Erma Bombeck

“Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.” Erma Bombeck

“Never order food in excess of your body weight.” Erma Bombeck

“Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.” Erma Bombeck

“I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.” Erma Bombeck

“Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.” Erma Bombeck

“God created man, but I could do better.” Erma Bombeck

“House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.” Erma Bombeck

“Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.” Erma Bombeck

“What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?” Erma Bombeck

“I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.” Erma Bombeck

“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.” Erma Bombeck

“Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.” Erma Bombeck

“Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.” Erma Bombeck