Quotes

“I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.” Steven Wright

“REver notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.” Steven Wright

“It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.” Steven Wright

“My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.” Steven Wright

“When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction.” Steven Wright

“I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.” Steven Wright

“Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.” Steven Wright

“I invented the cordless extension cord.” Steven Wright

“Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'” Steven Wright

“One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.” Steven Wright

“I'm addicted to placebos.” Steven Wright

“I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.” Steven Wright

“I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.” Steven Wright

“I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.” Steven Wright

“When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.” Steven Wright

“There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.” Steven Wright

“Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.” Steven Wright

“Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.” Steven Wright

“I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.” Steven Wright

“It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.” Steven Wright

“I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.” Steven Wright

“On the other hand, you have different fingers.” Steven Wright

“I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.” Steven Wright

“I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'” Steven Wright

“I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.” Steven Wright

“Books are but waste paper unless we spend in action the wisdom we get from thought - asleep. When we are weary of the living, we may repair to the dead, who have nothing of peevishness, pride, or design in their conversation.” William Butler Yeats

“I am still of opinion that only two topics can be of the least interest to a serious and studious mood - sex and the dead.” William Butler Yeats

“Think like a wise man but communicate in the language of the people.” William Butler Yeats

“A pity beyond all telling is hid in the heart of love.” William Butler Yeats

“We make out of the quarrel with others, rhetoric, but of the quarrel with ourselves, poetry.” William Butler Yeats