Quotes

“I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.” Steven Wright

“When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.” Steven Wright

“Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.” Steven Wright

“It's very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that's not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It's a gut feeling.” Steven Wright

“I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.” Steven Wright

“I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.” Steven Wright

“Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.” Steven Wright

“I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.” Steven Wright

“Hermits have no peer pressure.” Steven Wright

“All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.” Steven Wright

“If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?” Steven Wright

“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.” Steven Wright

“I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.” Steven Wright

“I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.” Steven Wright

“I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.” Steven Wright

“I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.” Steven Wright

“My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.” Steven Wright

“Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.” Steven Wright

“If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?” Steven Wright

“I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.” Steven Wright

“Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.” Steven Wright

“I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia.” Steven Wright

“When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?” Steven Wright

“My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.” Steven Wright

“People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.” Steven Wright

“I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.” Steven Wright

“In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it.” Steven Wright

“I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.” Steven Wright

“I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.” Steven Wright

“If God dropped acid, would he see people?” Steven Wright