Quotes

“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” Steven Wright

“I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.” Steven Wright

“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?” Steven Wright

“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'” Steven Wright

“They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.” Steven Wright

“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.” Steven Wright

“I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.” Steven Wright

“I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.” Steven Wright

“Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.” Steven Wright

“If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.” Steven Wright

“Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.” Steven Wright

“Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.” Steven Wright

“What a nice night for an evening.” Steven Wright

“Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.” Steven Wright

“I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.'” Steven Wright

“I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.” Steven Wright

“If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?” Steven Wright

“For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.” Steven Wright

“I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.” Steven Wright

“I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.” Steven Wright

“I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.” Steven Wright

“What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny.” Steven Wright

“I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the 'Boston Phoenix,' and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that's where I first saw 'deadpan.'” Steven Wright

“Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?” Steven Wright

“I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.” Steven Wright

“If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.” Steven Wright

“I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.” Steven Wright

“I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.” Steven Wright

“If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?” Steven Wright

“Is it weird in here, or is it just me?” Steven Wright