Joan Rivers

"My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash."

Top Joan Rivers Quotes

"I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are."

"It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom."

"I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them."

"Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'."

"I am furious about everything."

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