Quotes

“The conscience of the world is so guilty that it always assumes that people who investigate heresies must be heretics; just as if a doctor who studies leprosy must be a leper. Indeed, it is only recently that science has been allowed to study anything without reproach.” Aleister Crowley

“Chinese civilisation is so systematic that wild animals have been abolished on principle.” Aleister Crowley

“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.” Rodney Dangerfield

“My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.” Rodney Dangerfield

“I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.” Rodney Dangerfield

“I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.” Rodney Dangerfield

“I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.” Rodney Dangerfield

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.” Rodney Dangerfield

“I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.” Rodney Dangerfield

“My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.” Rodney Dangerfield

“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.” Rodney Dangerfield

“I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.” Rodney Dangerfield

“I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.” Rodney Dangerfield

“My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.” Rodney Dangerfield

“This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.” Rodney Dangerfield

“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.” Rodney Dangerfield

“It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.” Rodney Dangerfield

“I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.” Rodney Dangerfield

“I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.” Rodney Dangerfield

“Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'” Rodney Dangerfield

“I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.” Rodney Dangerfield

“I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.” Rodney Dangerfield

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.” Rodney Dangerfield

“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” Rodney Dangerfield

“I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.” Rodney Dangerfield

“When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.” Rodney Dangerfield

“My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.” Rodney Dangerfield

“My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.” Rodney Dangerfield

“With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!” Rodney Dangerfield

“On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.” Rodney Dangerfield