Quotes

“I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.” Rita Rudner

“My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.” Rita Rudner

“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.” Rita Rudner

“My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping.” Rita Rudner

“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.” Rita Rudner

“It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” Rita Rudner

“Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?” Rita Rudner

“I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.” Rita Rudner

“A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.” Rita Rudner

“The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.” Rita Rudner

“Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.” Rita Rudner

“I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable.” Rita Rudner

“I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.” Rita Rudner

“I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.” Rita Rudner

“Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?” Rita Rudner

“There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.” Rita Rudner

“I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.” Rita Rudner

“I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal.” Rita Rudner

“I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me.” Rita Rudner

“If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good.” Rita Rudner

“Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.” Rita Rudner

“It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.” Rita Rudner

“They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.” Rita Rudner

“Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'” Rita Rudner

“I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling.” Rita Rudner

“I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.” Rita Rudner

“I love to write jokes and that's all I think about.” Rita Rudner

“Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before.” Rita Rudner

“My mother's mother is a very tough cookie. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping.” Rita Rudner

“My Vegas act is how I make my money.” Rita Rudner