Skip to content
Groucho Marx
Quotes by Groucho Marx
Quotes by Groucho Marx
“Before I speak, I have something important to say.”
Groucho Marx
“Humor is reason gone mad.”
Groucho Marx
“I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.”
Groucho Marx
“Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.”
Groucho Marx
“Women should be obscene and not heard.”
Groucho Marx
“I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.”
Groucho Marx
“No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.”
Groucho Marx
“Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.”
Groucho Marx
“I must confess, I was born at a very early age.”
Groucho Marx
“There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.”
Groucho Marx
“I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.”
Groucho Marx
“From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.”
Groucho Marx
“I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.”
Groucho Marx
“If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.”
Groucho Marx
“Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?”
Groucho Marx
“I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.”
Groucho Marx
“I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.”
Groucho Marx
“My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.”
Groucho Marx
“I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.”
Groucho Marx
“I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.”
Groucho Marx
“It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.”
Groucho Marx
“Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.”
Groucho Marx
“A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.”
Groucho Marx
“Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.”
Groucho Marx
“Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!”
Groucho Marx
“Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.”
Groucho Marx
“Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.”
Groucho Marx
“Go, and never darken my towels again.”
Groucho Marx
“I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.”
Groucho Marx
“If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.”
Groucho Marx
