funny quotes

“It is better to go skiing and think of God, than go to church and think of sport.”

— Fridtjof Nansen

“Trust is hard to come by. That's why my circle is small and tight. I'm kind of funny about making new friends. ”

“Time is the best teacher, but unfortunately, it kills all of its students.”

— Robin Williams

“
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.
”

“A man's true character comes out when he's drunk.”

— Charlie Chaplin

“As long as you know men are like children, you know everything! ”

— Coco Chanel

“The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.”

— Helen Hayes

“Darling, the legs aren't so beautiful, I just know what to do with them.”

— Marlene Dietrich

“Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time.”

— Terry Pratchett

“Money may not buy happiness, but it can damn well give it!”

— Freddie Mercury

“Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.”

— Ambrose Bierce

“The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right.”

“
They didn't want it good, they wanted it Wednesday.
”

— Robert Anson Heinlein

“Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.”

“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.”

— Albert Einstein

“Age is not important unless you're a cheese.”

— Helen Hayes

“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.”

— William Somerset Maugham

“Communism doesn't work because people like to own stuff.”

— Frank Zappa

“The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out of it alive.”

— Robert Anson Heinlein

“Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million.”

— Arnold Schwarzenegger

“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

“After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.'”

— William Seward Burroughs

“Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room. ”

— Winston Churchill

“I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.”

“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”

— Winston Churchill

“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

“To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'”

— Rita Rudner

“Love is like a virus. It can happen to anybody at any time.”

— Maya Angelou

“The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.”

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