“I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.”

Mitch Hedberg View all quotes by Mitch Hedberg

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“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” Mitch Hedberg

“An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.” Mitch Hedberg

“A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.” Mitch Hedberg