Skip to content
Mitch Hedberg
Quotes by Mitch Hedberg
Quotes by Mitch Hedberg
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
Mitch Hedberg
“I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.”
Mitch Hedberg
“An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.”
Mitch Hedberg
“A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.”
Mitch Hedberg
“I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.”
Mitch Hedberg
“I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.”
Mitch Hedberg
“I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.”
Mitch Hedberg
“My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?”
Mitch Hedberg
“Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.”
Mitch Hedberg
“I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.”
Mitch Hedberg
“I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.”
Mitch Hedberg
“Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.”
Mitch Hedberg
“Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?”
Mitch Hedberg
“I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.”
Mitch Hedberg
“I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.”
Mitch Hedberg
“I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.”
Mitch Hedberg
“I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.”
Mitch Hedberg
“A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.”
Mitch Hedberg
“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.”
Mitch Hedberg
“I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.”
Mitch Hedberg
“I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.”
Mitch Hedberg
“I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”
Mitch Hedberg
“I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.”
Mitch Hedberg
“I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.”
Mitch Hedberg
“Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!”
Mitch Hedberg
“I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.”
Mitch Hedberg
“You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.”
Mitch Hedberg
“Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.”
Mitch Hedberg
“When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.”
Mitch Hedberg
“I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.”
Mitch Hedberg
