Funny quotes

“Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time.” Terry Pratchett

“I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons.” Douglas Adams

“It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes.” Douglas Adams

“A man's true character comes out when he's drunk.” Charlie Chaplin

“ By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.” Socrates

“ The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...'” Isaac Asimov

“The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out of it alive.” Robert Anson Heinlein

“ They didn't want it good, they wanted it Wednesday.” Robert Anson Heinlein

“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.” Albert Einstein

“I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying.” Woody Allen

“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” Mark Twain

“Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.” Mark Twain

“God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.” Mark Twain

“Golf is a good walk spoiled.” Mark Twain

“Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.” Mark Twain

“I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.” Mark Twain

“I have made it a rule never to smoke more than one cigar at a time.” Mark Twain

“It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.” Mark Twain

“Man - a creature made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.” Mark Twain

“Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.” Mark Twain

“Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.” Mark Twain

“Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.” Mark Twain

“The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.” Mark Twain

“The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.” Mark Twain

“The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right.” Mark Twain

“When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.” Mark Twain

“Cocaine is God's way of saying that you're making too much money.” Robin Williams

“Time is the best teacher, but unfortunately, it kills all of its students.” Robin Williams

“Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.” Oscar Wilde

“Communism doesn't work because people like to own stuff.” Frank Zappa