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Woody Allen
Quotes by Woody Allen
Quotes by Woody Allen
“As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.”
Woody Allen
“Eighty percent of success is showing up.”
Woody Allen
“Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.”
Woody Allen
“His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.”
Woody Allen
“How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?”
Woody Allen
“How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?”
Woody Allen
“I am at two with nature.”
Woody Allen
“I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.”
Woody Allen
“I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying.”
Woody Allen
“I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.”
Woody Allen
“I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam. I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.”
Woody Allen
“I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.”
Woody Allen
“If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.”
Woody Allen
“If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.”
Woody Allen
“Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.”
Woody Allen
“It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.”
Woody Allen
“It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.”
Woody Allen
“It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.”
Woody Allen
“Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.”
Woody Allen
“Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.”
Woody Allen
“Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.”
Woody Allen
“Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.”
Woody Allen
“My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.”
Woody Allen
“My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.”
Woody Allen
“Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.”
Woody Allen
“On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.”
Woody Allen
“Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.”
Woody Allen
“Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.”
Woody Allen
“The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.”
Woody Allen
“There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?”
Woody Allen
