“I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.”

Mitch Hedberg View all quotes by Mitch Hedberg

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“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” Mitch Hedberg

“I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.” Mitch Hedberg

“An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.” Mitch Hedberg