Quotes

“There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior.” Fran Lebowitz

“Do not, on a rainy day, ask your child what he feels like doing, because I assure you that what he feels like doing, you won't feel like watching.” Fran Lebowitz

“Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.” Fran Lebowitz

“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.” Fran Lebowitz

“Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.” Fran Lebowitz

“I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.” Fran Lebowitz

“My favorite animal is steak.” Fran Lebowitz

“All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.” Fran Lebowitz

“I never met anyone who didn't have a very smart child. What happens to these children, you wonder, when they reach adulthood?” Fran Lebowitz

“I place a high moral value on the way people behave. I find it repellent to have a lot, and to behave with anything other than courtesy in the old sense of the word - politeness of the heart, a gentleness of the spirit.” Fran Lebowitz

“To put it rather bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel.” Fran Lebowitz

“Children are the most desirable opponents at scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.” Fran Lebowitz

“I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota.” Fran Lebowitz

“Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable.” Fran Lebowitz

“Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met.” Fran Lebowitz

“Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try.” Fran Lebowitz

“If you're going to America, bring your own food.” Fran Lebowitz

“Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat.” Fran Lebowitz

“Having been unpopular in high school is not just cause for book publications.” Fran Lebowitz

“When you leave New York, you are astonished at how clean the rest of the world is. Clean is not enough.” Fran Lebowitz

“Polite conversation is rarely either.” Fran Lebowitz

“If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.” Fran Lebowitz

“I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not.” Fran Lebowitz

“Calling a taxi in Texas is like calling a rabbi in Iraq.” Fran Lebowitz

“In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.” Fran Lebowitz

“The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink.” Fran Lebowitz

“You can't go around hoping that most people have sterling moral characters. The most you can hope for is that people will pretend that they do.” Fran Lebowitz

“Contrary to popular opinion, the hustle is not a new dance step - it is an old business procedure.” Fran Lebowitz

“Designer clothes worn by children are like snowsuits worn by adults. Few can carry it off successfully.” Fran Lebowitz

“Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky.” Fran Lebowitz