Quotes

“My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?” Erma Bombeck

“Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids.” Erma Bombeck

“Never have more children than you have car windows.” Erma Bombeck

“One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.” Erma Bombeck

“Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.” Erma Bombeck

“Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.” Erma Bombeck

“If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.” Erma Bombeck

“My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.” Erma Bombeck

“A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.” Erma Bombeck

“When humor goes, there goes civilization.” Erma Bombeck

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.” Erma Bombeck

“Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.” Erma Bombeck

“Children make your life important.” Erma Bombeck

“Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.” Erma Bombeck

“I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up.” Erma Bombeck

“I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'” Erma Bombeck

“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.” Erma Bombeck

“For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.” Erma Bombeck

“It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.” Erma Bombeck

“In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.” Erma Bombeck

“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.” Erma Bombeck

“I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.” Erma Bombeck

“Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it.” Erma Bombeck

“People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.” Erma Bombeck

“I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.” Erma Bombeck

“I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.” Erma Bombeck

“Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.” Erma Bombeck

“The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.” Erma Bombeck

“Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.” Erma Bombeck

“There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.” Erma Bombeck