Quotes

“It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.” Woody Allen

“It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.” Woody Allen

“Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.” Woody Allen

“Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.” Woody Allen

“Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.” Woody Allen

“Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.” Woody Allen

“My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.” Woody Allen

“My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.” Woody Allen

“Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.” Woody Allen

“On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.” Woody Allen

“Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.” Woody Allen

“Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.” Woody Allen

“The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.” Woody Allen

“There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?” Woody Allen

“Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.” Woody Allen

“To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.” Woody Allen

“What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.” Woody Allen

“When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.” Woody Allen

“Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?” Woody Allen

“You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.” Woody Allen

“What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?” Woody Allen

“More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.” Woody Allen

“Death doesn't really worry me that much, I'm not frightened about it... I just don't want to be there when it happens.” Woody Allen

“The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.” Woody Allen

“A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.” Mark Twain

“A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.” Mark Twain

“A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.” Mark Twain

“A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.” Mark Twain

“A person who won't read has no advantage over one who can't read.” Mark Twain

“A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.” Mark Twain