Quotes

“I hate reality shows that are not reality.” Joan Rivers

“I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.” Joan Rivers

“I just love acting.” Joan Rivers

“I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.” Joan Rivers

“I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.” Joan Rivers

“I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.” Joan Rivers

“Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.” Joan Rivers

“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.” Joan Rivers

“I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.” Joan Rivers

“If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.” Joan Rivers

“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.” Joan Rivers

“I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'” Joan Rivers

“I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.” Joan Rivers

“I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.” Joan Rivers

“I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.” Joan Rivers

“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” Joan Rivers

“It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.” Joan Rivers

“Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.” Joan Rivers

“I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.” Joan Rivers

“What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care.” Joan Rivers

“Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.” Joan Rivers

“A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.” Joan Rivers

“Never floss with a stranger.” Joan Rivers

“Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.” Joan Rivers

“My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.” Joan Rivers

“There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.” Joan Rivers

“Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.” Joan Rivers

“I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.” Joan Rivers

“I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.” Joan Rivers

“There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.” Will Rogers