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Joan Rivers
Quotes by Joan Rivers
Quotes by Joan Rivers
“I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.”
Joan Rivers
“It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.”
Joan Rivers
“I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.”
Joan Rivers
“My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.”
Joan Rivers
“Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.”
Joan Rivers
“I am furious about everything.”
Joan Rivers
“The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.”
Joan Rivers
“Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.”
Joan Rivers
“My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.”
Joan Rivers
“My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.”
Joan Rivers
“All my friends are dying. That's why I always wear black.”
Joan Rivers
“Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.”
Joan Rivers
“Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.”
Joan Rivers
“I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.”
Joan Rivers
“I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider.”
Joan Rivers
“Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.”
Joan Rivers
“She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.”
Joan Rivers
“Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.”
Joan Rivers
“Every television show you go on is a choice.”
Joan Rivers
“I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her.”
Joan Rivers
“I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.”
Joan Rivers
“I hate reality shows that are not reality.”
Joan Rivers
“I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.”
Joan Rivers
“I just love acting.”
Joan Rivers
“I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.”
Joan Rivers
“I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”
Joan Rivers
“I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.”
Joan Rivers
“Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.”
Joan Rivers
“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.”
Joan Rivers
“I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.”
Joan Rivers
