Funny quotes

“I was asked to act when I couldn't act. I was asked to sing 'Funny Face' when I couldn't sing, and dance with Fred Astaire when I couldn't dance - and do all kinds of things I wasn't prepared for. Then I tried like mad to cope with it.” Audrey Hepburn

“Love is like a virus. It can happen to anybody at any time.” Maya Angelou

“A man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.” Ernest Hemingway

“It's funny how most people love the dead, once you're dead your made for life.” Jimi Hendrix

“It's funny the way most people love the dead. Once you are dead, you are made for life.” Jimi Hendrix

“Some of the worst mistakes of my life have been haircuts.” Jim Morrison

“It's to paint directly on the canvas without any funny business, as it were, and I use almost pure turpentine to start with, adding oil as I go along until the medium becomes pure oil. I use as little oil as I can possibly help, and that's my method.” Edward Hopper

“I guess when you turn off the main road, you have to be prepared to see some funny houses.” Stephen King

“You know how old I am? I'm so old, I remember when Letterman used to be funny and it was presidents who were serious. That's how old I am.” Rush Limbaugh

“I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.” Groucho Marx

“Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.” Steve Martin

“'Dirty Rotten Scoundrels' is a good one because it not only turned out, I think, to be a really funny movie but it was also a delight to shoot. We were in the South of France, working with Glenne Headly and Michael Caine and Frank Oz the director - who were just fun.” Steve Martin

“I actually credit Twitter with fine-tuning some joke-writing skills. I still feel like I'm working at it.” Steve Martin

“I thought 'Borat' was a breakthrough comedy, because it was really funny. It wasn't some studio-produced script with 14 writers.” Steve Martin

“I've always believed that there are funny people everywhere, but they're just not comedians. In fact, some of my best comedic inspirations were not professional entertainers.” Steve Martin

“Money is not the only answer, but it makes a difference.” Barack Obama

“Men are so necessarily mad, that not to be mad would amount to another form of madness.” Blaise Pascal

“It's funny how you never think about the women you've had. It's always the ones who get away that you can't forget.” Chuck Palahniuk

“I don't care what they do with my book so long as the flippin check clears.” Chuck Palahniuk

“Like almost everyone who uses e-mail, I receive a ton of spam every day. Much of it offers to help me get out of debt or get rich quick. It would be funny if it weren't so exciting.” Bill Gates

“Darling, the legs aren't so beautiful, I just know what to do with them.” Marlene Dietrich

“I am at heart a gentleman.” Marlene Dietrich

“In America, sex is an obsession, in other parts of the world it's a fact.” Marlene Dietrich

“The average man is more interested in a woman who is interested in him than he is in a woman with beautiful legs.” Marlene Dietrich

“Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else's expense. And I find that that's just a form of bullying in a major way. So I want to be an example that you can be funny and be kind, and make people laugh without hurting somebody else's feelings.” Ellen DeGeneres

“People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.” Ellen DeGeneres

“I had everything I'd hoped for, but I wasn't being myself. So I decided to be honest about who I was. It was strange: The people who loved me for being funny suddenly didn't like me for being... me.” Ellen DeGeneres

“No matter how popular you are as a stand-up - you can go out and fill a 10,000-seat arena and be smart and funny - it's delicate to host an awards show and know where your place is and know that it's not about you, that it's about the people who are nominated, and respect that, but at the same time have your moment to show them who you are.” Ellen DeGeneres

“The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.” Bertrand Russell

“There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.” Bill Cosby