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“Work is much more fun than fun.”
Noel Coward
“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“Life is just a bowl of pits.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
Mitch Hedberg
“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.”
Mitch Hedberg
“I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.”
Mitch Hedberg
“I don't want to look at other people my age in leather. Why would I put it on?”
George Michael
“Money may not buy happiness, but it can damn well give it!”
Freddie Mercury
“I would rather have a cup of tea than sex.”
Boy George
“Ambition is a dream with a V8 engine.”
Elvis Presley
“Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.”
Frank Sinatra
“It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.”
William Somerset Maugham
“Don't talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave.”
Wilson Mizner
“If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from many it's research.”
Wilson Mizner
“The most efficient water power in the world - women's tears.”
Wilson Mizner
“A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.”
Michel de Montaigne
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
Patrick Jake O Rourke
“Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.”
Patrick Jake O Rourke
“Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.”
Patrick Jake O Rourke
“Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.”
Patrick Jake O Rourke
“I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.”
Rita Rudner
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'”
Rita Rudner
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“Marriage: A friendship recognized by the police.”
Robert Louis Stevenson
“If my critics saw me walking over the Thames they would say it was because I couldn't swim.”
Margaret Thatcher
“My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.”
Orson Welles
“I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.”
Ron White
