Funny quotes

“I'm odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.” Angelina Jolie

“I am odd-looking. I sometimes think I look like a funny Muppet.” Angelina Jolie

“I'm blonde and tanned and normal-sized! I'm sweet, shy, funny, have a big heart and I'm nice - and I like to eat.” Paris Hilton

“Do not let Sunday be taken from you. If your soul has no Sunday, it becomes an orphan.” Albert Schweitzer

“What they do in heaven we are ignorant of; what they do not do we are told expressly.” Jonathan Swift

“You know the funny thing, I don't get along with rich people. I get along with the middle class and the poor people better than I get along with the rich people.” Donald Trump

“I suppose when they reach a certain age some men are afraid to grow up. It seems the older the men get, the younger their new wives get.” Elizabeth Taylor

“Don't pay any attention to what they write about you. Just measure it in inches.” Andy Warhol

“I used to think that everything was just being funny but now I don't know. I mean, how can you tell?” Andy Warhol

“A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.” Frank Lloyd Wright

“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.” Lucille Ball

“I'm not funny. What I am is brave.” Lucille Ball

“A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.” Yogi Berra

“The future ain't what it used to be.” Yogi Berra

“If you don't know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.” Yogi Berra

“I don't mean to be funny.” Yogi Berra

“Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.” George Burns

“It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.” George Burns

“After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.'” William Seward Burroughs

“Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.” Ambrose Bierce

“War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.” Ambrose Bierce

“Quotation: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.” Ambrose Bierce

“Prescription: A physician's guess at what will best prolong the situation with least harm to the patient.” Ambrose Bierce

“Age is not important unless you're a cheese.” Helen Hayes

“If you rest, you rust.” Helen Hayes

“The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.” Helen Hayes

“Positive anything is better than negative nothing.” Elbert Hubbard

“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.” Andy Rooney

“Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning lousy hunter.” Andy Rooney

“When Jesus comes back, these crazy, greedy, capitalistic men are gonna kill him again.” Mike Tyson