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“Life is just a bowl of pits.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.”
William Claude Dukenfield
“If a million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.”
Anatole France
“Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite.”
John Kenneth Galbraith
“The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable.”
John Kenneth Galbraith
“We all agree that pessimism is a mark of superior intellect.”
John Kenneth Galbraith
“I think that making love is the best form of exercise.”
Cary Grant
“I am dying with the help of too many physicians.”
Alexander the Great
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
Mitch Hedberg
“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.”
Mitch Hedberg
“Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!”
Mitch Hedberg
“I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.”
Mitch Hedberg
“Fame attracts lunatics.”
Elton John
“I don't want to look at other people my age in leather. Why would I put it on?”
George Michael
“An actor is a guy who, if you ain't talking about him, he ain't listening.”
Boy George
“I was training to be an electrician. I suppose I got wired the wrong way round somewhere along the line.”
Elvis Presley
“Since the beginning, it was just the same. The only difference, the crowds are bigger now.”
Elvis Presley
“Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd rather lie around. No contest.”
Eric Clapton
“One of the most beneficial things I've ever learned is how to keep my mouth shut.”
Eric Clapton
“As a rock star, I have two instincts, I want to have fun, and I want to change the world. I have a chance to do both.”
Bono
“I'm gonna live till I die.”
Frank Sinatra
“Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species.”
William Somerset Maugham
“You are not angry with people when you laugh at them. Humor teaches tolerance.”
William Somerset Maugham
“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.”
Mignon McLaughlin
“A sense of humor is a major defense against minor troubles.”
Mignon McLaughlin
“For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong.”
Henry Louis Mencken
“It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.”
Henry Louis Mencken
“Be nice to people on your way up because you'll meet them on your way down.”
Wilson Mizner
“Don't talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave.”
Wilson Mizner
“Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory as the wish to forget it.”
Michel de Montaigne
